i have a life that isn't mine but also isn't anybody else's.

can i get a do-over?

The urge to disappear off the face of the earth is one I’ve gone back to and reconsidered several times for no apparent reason. I find myself telling people I have no regrets in my past decisions because “everything happens for a reason” which definitely is something I wholeheartedly believe in.

Then why is it that I want a do-over?

Carl Rogers, talks about the two selves that exist— the ideal self and the real self. It is when these two don’t align that a person experiences anxiety, confusion, and helplessness. Lately, it seems as though my real self and my ideal self are not only unaligned but are two completely different entities. While one part of me wishes to be bold and openly express myself, the other part of me clasps a hand over my mouth. She whispers in my ear that this is ‘not what I want’ which is funny because it’s true in a way.

I haven’t been acquainted with myself long enough to know what I really want. Soon enough, this manifested itself into a fear of being unable to control how people interpret my words and actions. It drove me wild because I knew for a fact that everyone’s perception of me was all warped. How could you possibly know who I am when I can’t even figure it out?

I keep trying to find myself through other people so much so, that I don’t realise I’m not discovering who I am— I’m just becoming them. The famous quote, “You are a reflection of your 5 closest friends” is amusing to me because I’m not even a complete reflection of what I see in the mirror. A reflection of my true personality is a little like looking down a really deep well— you know the water is mirroring an image, but you can’t actually see it, let alone make out what it’s reflecting.

I know it’s not too late to let my ideal self take charge but I can’t afford to lose everything I’ve gained till now. A do-over on social media is easy; a few clicks and you’re instantly a whole other person. But in real life? You’re essentially losing the people you’ve developed connections with, even if it is on false pretences. I may be there for you for every day that you need me but not a single time will I ever ask you to do the same for me. Because I know it’s not worth your energy. It’s not like I want to fabricate my relationships with people but I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t the most comfortable option.

So to all of my friends who think I’m so much like them, you’re right. I literally am so much like you.

Because I am you.

Because I am nothing like myself.

Because I still don’t know who I am and I don’t think I will anytime soon.

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